


hate me (for all the things I didn't do for you)

by misplaced_space_ace



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Adopted Sibling Relationship, Angst, Brother Feels, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Inspired by Drown by Ordis, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki is the universe's punching bag, Odin (Marvel)'s A+ Parenting, Or at least he tries to be, Past Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Thor (Marvel), Self-Esteem Issues, The Author Regrets Nothing, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Thor is trying his best, Thorki if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 21:17:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19980649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misplaced_space_ace/pseuds/misplaced_space_ace
Summary: It's been months since Loki was saved from the clutches of hopelessness and death in SHIELD's cells. Months since he befriended the people who he tried to enslave, months since he was the broken thing that cried out for Thor's rescue from the constant torment. It shouldn't be so hard to tell his (not) brother what happened to him. He hated Thor, didn't care what Thor thought of him.And yet the words caught bitter and thick in his throat. Because he was dirty now. He was nothing now. And he didn't want Thor to remember him like that.





	hate me (for all the things I didn't do for you)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Drown](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/58662) by Ordis. 



> This is a sort of add-on to the brilliant fic Drown by Ordis. Taking place in the same universe, I wrote it to bring myself some closure over the fact that Loki never actually tells Thor what happened to him. If you haven't read that fic, I 10/10 recommend you go there first, as it is a beautiful whump fest full of angst and feels, and I love it so very much. This work fits in any time after Chapter 34.  
> But, if you haven't read it and don't want to, here's the context you'll need to enjoy the story:  
> Instead of being sent back to Asgard after Avengers, Loki stays on earth as a prisoner of SHIELD, which is a-okay with Odin because he's a just the worst. Without Nick Fury's knowledge, Loki is tortured and raped for three months in SHIELD's cells. It's part of a big plot by Arnold Polt to get Nick Fury overthrown as Director of SHIELD, but basically, all you need to know is that Tony and Steve rescue Loki from SHIELD's cells and helped nurse him back to health, Thor and Loki are not on good terms, and Thor has no idea what actually happened to Loki while he was SHIELD's prisoner.
> 
> As a side note, I am well aware that this fic is shamelessly self-indulgent and at least mildly OOC for most characters involved. But it was the catharsis I needed after the way Drown left me emotionally maimed. The author regrets nothing.

“You need to tell him the truth.” Bruce was quickly moving back to ‘Banner’ in Loki’s estimation, and if he kept this ceaseless insistence upon doing “the right thing” going, they soon would no longer be friends or even acquaintances.

“I need to do nothing of the sort.”

“He’s your brother.” Loki sent daggers at the mortal with his eyes. Because he had been over this with them a thousand times. He was Jotun. Not Aesir. A monster. A frost giant. And certainly no blood of a golden child like Thor.

“ _Not_ my brother.”

“Fine. Not your blood. But he cares. If you put a little faith in him, if you give him even a small part of yourself, he might surprise you.”

“You are sickeningly idealistic. Do you even hear yourself when you speak?”

“Listen, you trust me, right? At the very least, with your physical safety, or that collar would still be on your neck.” Loki nodded, a sharp motion with too many angles to come off as the effort in effortlessness that it was supposed to be. “Good. Glad to hear it. So try to give me the benefit of the doubt. I’m a pretty good judge of character, and he’s a decent guy. He’s not going to use the truth against you. It’s not like he’ll take Odin’s side after what he put you through.”

“You do not _know_ him, Banner. You see him as he wishes to appear, as does everyone else. But I’ve been at his side for centuries witnessing him defend Odin’s every choice, no matter how cruel or evil it may seem. I listened to him try to justify Odin’s decision to kill or curse all my children simply because of what they _might_ become. Since the dawn of time he has chosen his father over me, why would this be any different?” Bruce looked at a loss. Loki couldn’t tell if he felt vindicated or disappointed. There was a part of him that wanted to be given a reason to trust Thor. A tender part that didn’t want to keep secrets, the same part that wanted to call him ‘brother’ again, a part that wanted to be shown he still had a family. The same part that had begged for Thor’s rescue in the cells.

But Loki has always known it was less shameful to be cold than soft, so he refused to indulge that part of himself.

“Please give him a chance. If he discovers it on his own it will be so much worse. If he finds out that we all knew and didn’t tell him… we might lose him forever. All of us. You can say he’s not your brother all that you want, but I know he still means something to you. Give him a chance to prove he deserves to.” Loki’s hands had curled themselves into fists so tight it made white-hot pain lance through his healing fingers. He knew if he walked out of this room, Banner would not follow him. He also knew that he didn’t really want to leave, or else he would have done it already.

“The lie is already in place. He thinks what happened was _worth_ my supposed goodness and obedience now. It is a situation I do not wish to confront.”

“He only thinks that because he doesn’t know. Believe me, we all get pissed when we hear him talk about how he’s grateful to those monsters for “fixing” you. I guarantee he’d be horrified with himself for even entertaining that idea if he knew what they put you through. But you can’t expect him to know something you refuse to tell him.” Loki didn’t know how to tell Bruce that lying was an unstoppable habit for him, that he had been doing it so long he sometimes lost track of the truth. That lies were in his name, that Thor didn’t believe most of what he said anymore because of them, that Thor would have no more reason to believe him now than at any point in the past. He didn’t know how to say “I’ve deceived Thor so many times that he would be blameless if he never believed a word of mine for as long as we lived”. He knew it was his fault. He was untrustworthy and unreliable. It was safer for Thor to live in a lie because that was what he was used to. Habits hurt less. Even the worst of them. He had grown accustomed to the dull ache of never being believed.

“Thor and I are not exactly in the habit of being truthful with each other.”

“Now’s as good a time as any to start. Look, if these past couple weeks have proven anything, it’s that you’re more than capable of change. It wasn’t that long ago that you were trying to kill all of us and we hated you more than almost anything. The other guy threw you around like a rag doll, and now we’re on a first-name basis. We all like you, Loki. You’ve changed a lot of people’s minds. If you could do it with strangers, you certainly can with your own brother.”

“It is different with him.”

“It’s _more_ important with him. Listen, I’m not gonna make you tell him, but if you don’t, someone else will. Then you’ll have no control over what he finds out and how. You can’t prevent any of these things you’re worried about if you aren’t the one who tells him. Let it come from you. Be there to make sure he has the whole story.”

“Thor has pitied me for centuries. It will only get worse if he is told.”

“Don’t you want to at least try to have a normal relationship with him?” _More than anything._

“Not particularly.” Banner gave him a look that told him he was not fooling anyone. “Fine. Maybe.”

“Okay, well that can’t happen as long as people who were your enemies until a few weeks ago know more about you than he does.” And Loki knew he was right. But why was it more work being honest with his own family than making friends with people he tried to enslave?

“I shall give this one attempt and one attempt only. And Bruce?”

“Yes, Loki?”

“What is that term you use in Midgard? Oh. You ‘owe me one’.” But Banner just looked relieved. Loki tried not to let that warm a part of him that was too often freezing.

  * •••



“Odinson?” Loki called as he ventured back into the room, trying not to taste the vomit in the back of his throat as the memory of the last time this topic was brought up burnt through him like acid.

“Brother?” Thor replied in that disgustingly sincere voice that somehow never felt like an act.

“I wish to speak with you in private.” Child-like excitement flashed across his not-brother’s face for a moment before he was able to school it into something more dignified.

“Of course. Where would you like to go?” Loki couldn’t help but notice the way Thor spoke to him like a damaged thing. He had read some Midgard literature on how to talk to people with ‘Post Traumatic Stress Disorder’, which was their fancy term for broken people. Tortured people. _Ruined_ people. While he bristled at the idea that his mind had any sort of _defect_ when his mind was all he truly had (where Thor had strength and power and _everyone’s_ love and trust), he had to accept that the term held some truth. More truth than he would like. A disease that could be cured only through talking and honesty and self-discovery seemed almost more shameful than the events that had led his mind to such a shattered state. He tried not to think of it often.

But much of the information recommended giving the afflicted the power of choice they were deprived of during the trauma. Allowing them to make their own decisions. Making sure they knew they were in control. He wondered if Thor had always known that he was jagged edges and broken glass and if his not-brother wasn’t careful enough he’d cut himself, or if it was something he’d picked up along the way. After that thought ran its way through the folds of his brain, it was hard not to also contemplate when he became this creature that needed special treatment and soft words. When he stopped being whole and started—Thor was talking again.

“… storming outside, but I know you liked the rain once, when we were children, though it might remind you a bit too much of me now, hard to blame you—” Loki held up a hand to put an end to the tiresome ranting.

“Anywhere that you would be unlikely to break something expensive or do something dangerous should be adequate.” A fond smile graced the other man’s lips and Loki wanted to return it, wanted to channel his efforts into putting up a façade to make any of this easier, but he just couldn’t bring himself to march his way to the gallows with a grin on his face.

Nothing could ever be the same after this.

Given, Loki’s life had been a whirlwind of things changing for good these past few years, but mostly bad things just got a bit worse and one could get used to that given enough time. And his relationship with Thor was far from healthy but, loathe as he was to admit it, seeing his not-brother always warmed that same cold part of him. Asgard had never been kind to him. Odin was no father, tricks and cleverness were looked down upon, and his existence impacted very few. But Thor was the only part of his childhood that didn’t hurt implicitly. The only thing from those years that he could recall as anything other than dull aching and uselessness. And he knew it made him weak, but he didn’t want to lose that. Steve had told him once that with the things he can do, the extraordinary power he possesses, it has never been more important to hold onto the things that make him human. Ironic that his demigod adoptive brother from a faraway realm was the most grounded thing in his life.

They ended up on the roof of Pepper’s apartment complex. It didn’t feel like the best place to remain unobserved to Loki, but he knew the worst thing Thor could do up here is throw himself or Loki off the building, and both of them could survive that. Loki’s mind reminded him unbidden that he had survived much worse. Suddenly, he could feel all 24 ribs out of place and he couldn’t help but start pacing in an attempt to shake the sensation.

“Brother? What did you wish to discuss?” Loki sighed and forced his aching muscles to still.

“My sentence, my just deserts, you referred to it as such. I believe you should know what it truly entailed.” Puzzlement took Thor’s features into a confused frown.

“Is boredom not the truth of it, brother? Were you treated unfairly?” And there was something close to protectiveness in his tone that Loki didn’t know what to do with. Didn’t know how to reconcile this Thor who very clearly cared, who didn’t want harm to befall him, with the one he had built up in his head to be an unfeeling monster who blindly followed Odin’s orders and blatantly ignored his brother’s desperate cries.

“There was… less talking than I initially led you to believe.” Thor looked at him a bit too knowingly at that confession, which annoyed him beyond all reason. Because Thor was supposed to be the big dumb blond hero who needed things like this spelled out for him and didn’t know how to read between the lines and he shouldn’t be looking at Loki like he knew all along and was just waiting to be let in.

Loki knew then that Thor had never truly believed the lies he was given about Loki’s sentence. He was simply kind enough not to question them. Thor being thoughtful and sensitive and unselfish was so massively out of character that it gave Loki whiplash, and he felt suddenly defenseless under the weight of that knowing stare.

“What did they do to you, brother?”

“Details are unimportant. There was… violence.” Flecks of rage sparked in his not-brother’s bright blue eyes, and his whole body tensed like a taught wire.

“Violence?” And Thor’s voice was choked like it had no right to be. Thor would’ve _known_ all of this if he had bothered to talk to Heimdall about him, and Loki couldn’t be upset because yes, he hadn’t asked but he hadn’t ignored Loki either, hadn’t given up on him, hadn’t abandoned him. And it was careless, but it was in line with Thor’s character, being gullible enough to blindly believe his kin was being treated humanely. He would love to be able to be angry about it. But he just couldn’t, not when everything in Thor’s eyes was mourning and regret and anger. “What sort of violence?”

“I fail to see why that is any of your concern.”

“Brother, of course it is my concern. You are my family and if harm has come to you, I want to understand what was done and who was responsible.” A bitter laugh came through his lips that was too honest in its pain when it should have been light and mischievous.

“If blame is what you wish to cast, it belongs to Odin more than any other.” Thor looked as if he was trying to physically swallow that concept and didn’t seem to be able to keep it down.

“Father could not possibly have known of any torment that has befallen you. He kept you here to protect you.” This time the laugh was more real, because the blind trust Odin had always undeservedly received from his golden son would always be amusing regardless of how much the implications hurt.

“You have always been rather blind, but not even you could possibly believe that. He authorized what was done to me, he bound my magic with a collar that sent unimaginable pain through my body if any attempt towards removal was made, and he _left_ me here with them. He is almost as much a monster as I, and you follow him unquestioned because you foolishly believe he is incapable of such evil, but you are mistaken. I do not jest, Odinson. I called for you and either you did not hear or you did not heed, but I needed you here and you had so much faith in him that you could not be bothered to show up.”

And Loki had never seen a look on his not-brother’s face like that before. Thor had always been emotional, but those emotions were usually rage and pride more than anything else. Never like this, broken pieces caving in one after another in an avalanche that was all devastation with no room for blame or anger. It was too real to be Thor, too honest and vulnerable. Neither of them had ever really been vulnerable with each other on purpose, and Loki didn’t know where they were supposed to go from here.

“How could I not have heard you, brother?”

“That is as much a mystery to me as you. I had always assumed you knew and chose not to come.” Hurt crashed in Thor’s eyes and Loki tried not to care. Because Thor didn’t care when things hurt him, hadn’t for a long time now, so why should Loki care now? Except Loki had always done something to deserve the hurt, all his life, punished for one wrong or another. But he couldn’t find it in himself to say that Thor deserved it simply for being unintentionally ignorant.

“Why… why would you assume that?”

“I tried to end your friends’ lives and the world you are so very fond of just for a taste of revenge against you. Seems an offense worthy of my sentence in your eyes. Usually ‘father said’ is good enough for you and I didn’t see why this would be an exception.”

“Yes, Loki, I try to honor our father but this is something different entirely. If he truly knew and did nothing to stop it, and moreover prevented you from calling to me for help, that is not something I will easily forgive.” Loki tried to force the tremor out of his voice, but he knew the shake was still there, mocking him in his weakness, when he ground out a reply.

“He is _not_ my father. Not after what he has done.”

“Brother, if you are telling the truth of it, perhaps he is not mine either.”

“You do not mean that, Odinson.” A cringe ran through Thor’s whole body.

“I beg of you, do not name me that. Do not attach me to him, when he has wronged you this way. I did not know, Loki, I swear to you. I would not have allowed it.”

“Thor,” he tried the word out on his tongue against his better judgment. The bitterness of that name, _Odinson,_ had been one of many walls he had put between himself and Thor. Safer that way. Hurt less. Stopped Thor from going on his optimistic tangents about how they could be a family again and everything would suddenly be okay now. It didn’t feel as wrong as he expected, letting this particular barrier crumble. He tried to remember that Thor had saved him in the past. Before Steve and Tony, he was the only one who ever cared enough to. That once, Thor had cared what happened to him. Had cared about getting him back to health when he was hurt.

Never tried to prevent it from happening again, but Thor was still the only kindness he had known for so much of his life. Expecting anything more than that had always seemed unfathomably unrealistic. “This is far from the first time Odin has either stood by or took an active role in injuring me. I fail to understand why it is now a source of such turmoil.”

“Because… because…” Thor was grasping at straws now and Loki couldn’t even take pleasure in his perfect not-brother’s blundering discomfort because now he _needed_ to know why this time was different. So he couldn’t bring himself to make it into a joke. Because it had been far too real for him for far too long for it to be brushed off now.

**_“Why?”_** It was meant to be angry, or even hurt or confused would’ve been okay but instead, it came out as a desperate plea, the call of a wounded child for someone braver and stronger to come save them.

“Because I am accustomed to being able to remedy these things, brother! I am accustomed to being able to be there when you have need of me and the fact that you called for me and I could not hear you is sickening!” Thor started pacing the length of the rooftop and Loki gave him three steps of room. He had brought this conversation to this specific location because of Thor’s explosive temper, and given the only thing that could really be broken up here was Loki himself, he figured it was best to keep his distance. “And Father! Father knew of these atrocities being committed against you and purposely obstructed you from reaching me! Brother, I know you, and I know what it would take for you to ask me for help after all that has happened these past few years, and now you will not even speak of what has been done to you! Just because I know you are capable of withstanding such conditions does not mean I enjoy the consistency with which you have to do so! How can you not understand why this pains me so?”

Suddenly Loki was freezing. The rain chilled him all the way through his bones and to his heart and he wondered numbly how he could be a frost giant and still be so bothered by the cold. All Loki wanted to do was collapse into Thor like he had when news of Fenris had spread and tell him how sick he was of having to be okay all the time, how tiresome trying to hold onto his pride was, and be able to cry and not care that he was pathetic and weak because those things had never mattered to Thor. This conversation was stripping him of his armor like only Thor could do, leaving him laid bare in a way that pain alone never could.

“I have never taken pleasure in your torment, brother. These things are often… difficult for me to navigate, and while it is not fair of me, I have in the past left you to the knife, for I know you can withstand anything. But I am trying to do right by you now. Please, I beg of you, tell me the truth of this.” Loki sighed and saluted what was left of his relationship with Thor goodbye.

“There is a plot. By Polt, to overthrow your leader, Fury. Undermine his authority, make him look unstable, so that he would be removed from his position.”

“Aye. This I know.” Loki took a breath so big he thought his lungs might burst through his ribcage, and when he released it, he tried to let the past go with it. Accept that maybe Thor was different now. That if he could come to trust those who had only ever been adversaries, perhaps his brother could be worthy of the same faith.

And, if all else failed, ignoring Thor for the centuries that remained of their lifetimes seemed an appealing Plan B.

“I was a component of this scheme. Fury knew I was being detained in a cell with SHIELD, but he was not aware of the events that transpired. They kept it from him, used shapeshifters in his place, and planned on making it look like he had authorized it all along to discredit him to his peers and your team. And they needed someone who would not need medical attention to stay alive.” A heavy hand came down on Loki’s shoulder, warm and loose enough that he could pull away if he wanted. And he was frustrated by the sudden urge to be closer, warmer, to feel the kind of safety he could only ever find in the god of thunder’s embrace. Yet he knew he should remove it, keep his distance, knowing how dirty the truth would make him feel if he could even get it out. He settled for somewhere in the middle, allowing the contact but looking at the hand with unbridled distaste.

“Brother, what have they done to you?” Loki wished the question could’ve made him angry. Shout at Thor that if he wanted that answer, he should’ve asked Heimdall at any point during those three months and he would’ve known, but hadn’t _cared_ enough, hadn’t _wanted_ to help him, and didn’t _deserve_ to know now. But his defenses were so worn and ineffectual that he knew it wouldn’t truly put any space between him and the truth, only make him look more pathetic for trying to shield himself from something that shouldn’t be able to hurt him anymore. So he clenched his jaw painfully and locked his eyes onto his _brother’s_ and accepted the fact that this was his one chance to show courage instead of fear. To be whole in a way he hadn’t been for years.

“There was… electricity, and fire, and broken bones. So many broken bones, 31 at the same time directly before my rescue. Beatings daily, only enough food and water to keep me alive, mirrors… everywhere.” He tried to push down the part of him that wanted to be sick because the look in Thor’s eyes said _you have endured worse than a few beatings._ Before he could stop it, his mouth decided Thor needed to be proven wrong. “And it was unfortunate, but it was manageable until it turned and they…” There was a laugh trying to bubble up from deep inside him because that had become his solution to pain that had no words, but even with all the wrong inside him he knew a laugh was not a suitable substitute for the words he was trying to form. His eyes dropped to somewhere around Thor’s chest as he ground through it, trying to remember the hands and the collar and the blue and the cell and that no words could ever be as bad as the things he’s felt. “They took me as a woman.”

And suddenly all he could feel were burning white lights and his own voice echoing coldly and endlessly off mirrored walls. _Thor!_ A broken sob, weak and frail and buried under grunts and whimpers. _I need you… please…_

By the time Loki stopped shaking long enough to bring his broken-glass eyes back to Thor’s, something had changed in his brother’s expression. Something that clicked more like understanding than pity or disgust, and Loki didn’t know how to stop so he just kept going.

“And I just—I knew it would never end, and that it was deserved, and that no one was coming for me.” And the words were coming like a flood now and Loki had nothing to put in front of them as they poured from somewhere small and fragile deep inside him. “By the time I called for you, I had already given up. No part of me actually expected you to come. Because this was my penance for all the wrong I had done and I should have been able to withstand it on my own. I should have forced them to kill me before it went so far but… but I am not you, I am no warrior, all I have is my cheap tricks. And—and I didn’t even have those there, I just existed and hoped they would do it for me.” At that point the adrenaline had worn off and Loki was breathing like he had just run across the nine realms and he was half sure his knees would give out if he had the strength to move. But he couldn’t, so he just stood there, shaking, waiting for Thor to show his disgust, his revulsion and disappointment. From what he could see of his brother through the blur of his vision, none of those were present and he was driving himself crazy waiting around for it.

“Brother.” Loki blinked hard and tried to focus on the face in front of him, and he couldn’t tell if it was exhaustion or tears that blended the shapes together but whatever it was, it was more persistent than he was. He gave up and set his eyes to the ground. “Brother, please.” Thor’s hand was stronger than Loki’s whole body as it gently pushed his chin back up, and blond hair and blue eyes brought themselves into focus. Still, the expression was all heartbreak and pain without the blame that should’ve been there. Loki choked on his confusion as he tried to swallow it, and made an attempt to hide the cough with a sigh that ended up more of a sob.

“Don’t.”

“Loki, it was not deserved.”

“Spare me, Thor. I need not your lies.”

“That is not a punishment, brother. That is not a lesson. That is evil.” Loki scoffed.

“As am I. Like to like, as they say.”

“You are not like SHIELD. You are not like the Chitauri. You are better than them. There is good inside you yet.”

“I am better than no one. I made attempts to enslave this world. I made attempts on your father’s life. I am a liar, murderer, coward, I am a…” _Whore!_ His mind shouted at him, and his arms trembled and wrapped around his midsection protectively. He felt hands ripping at his hair, his clothes, sometimes mockingly tender, mostly unforgivingly brutal, and it shouldn’t hurt this much after so long. He should be stronger by now, better somehow. “I am less than nothing, Thor. Do not waste your hopeful sentimentalities on me.” Now Thor's hands were on both of his shoulders and Loki couldn’t handle all of this softness and understanding. This was Thor. Where was the thunder and lightning? Where was the yelling and anger? Thor had been all about strength and glory their whole lives, and how could he choose now to be what Loki needed? 

“None of my efforts are wasted on you, brother. I was foolish to believe Father was protecting you from something hellish when he was delivering you to something worse. The fault is not with you, but with me. I aligned myself with these people, put my faith in these people, I thought they wanted to save Midgard. This is not salvation. My blind trust in them, and in Father, allowed them to defile you with impunity. I failed you. I am sorry.” A mad part of Loki with no strength left to act wants to _hurt_ Thor for saying that, wants to turn this weakness on its head and make his brother sorry for his naïve belief in the _good_ in him, wants to disappoint him and exploit him, anything. That part spent most of its time writhing in a corner and banging its head against the wall, but it was the part that had protected Loki’s remaining sanity when nothing else remained to care for him.

It may have been the evilest, most vicious side of him, but it was a shield, the only one that worked against his captors and his brother alike.

A cracked shield, as worn out and painful as his magic, and while it sometimes begged to be let out, it no longer had the strength to take his pain away. Loki knew that hurting Thor was no longer enough to keep him at a distance. Because now Thor knew. Thor _knew_ and would have to fix it and save him and there was nothing that could keep his brother at bay any longer. And he couldn’t ignore the fact that there was **no lie** in Thor’s eyes, no falseness or force, the truth laid bare like a raw nerve and that feeling was so familiar for Loki that it almost hurt to watch it stare back at him.

But Loki didn’t know how to fill the silence that stung him like a thousand needles. Thor just stared at him, shifting uncomfortably, until he couldn’t take it and more explanations poured from his mouth.

“You are right to hate me. You were right then and you are right now. I was never there when you needed me. I always put my selfish wants ahead of your wellness. I was the first to assume that your motivations were always malicious and never considered that it wasn’t always about me, that there were forces you had to fight as well. So many things have _hurt_ you, brother. The Chitauri, SHIELD, Odin… and I stopped none of it. I never helped you. I could have, I should have, but I was thoughtless and I cannot blame you for thinking I do not care. You are my _brother._ And I do not know how to fix this but I want to try. Please let me try. I am sorry.”

“You need not be sorry,” Loki breathed, trying to push the bite back into his voice as he searched for a way to end this pointless game. Thor had always enjoyed mending broken things. He once could have convinced Thor that he was not, but his lies were another defense that had long since outlived its usefulness. _Loki Silvertongue, Loki Liesmith, honesty has never been your strength._ “It was not you that passed the sentence.”

“I allowed it to be carried out.”

“As did hundreds of others. Noble, and very predictable, of you to shoulder all of the blame. It is unnecessary, however, seeing as I am very clearly fine. This Polt will be brought to justice, and we can go back to ignoring each other in peace. I have my magic back now. I have no need of you as some kind of vengeful protector.”

“Have you not need of me as a brother?” Loki opened his mouth to respond and found the words were not there. Words had always been his best weapon, better than magic or daggers was the way he could dig under the folds of others’ skin and chip away at cracks and weaknesses. He was defenseless without them, and hated Thor just a little because his brother was never powerless or weak and how _dare_ he take the only thing Loki could still protect himself with? “Let me care for you, Loki. I will not hurt you the way others have. I am sorry I was not here sooner. Please, let me be here now.” Unbidden came the memories of crying out for Thor and _wanting_ his brother and the crushing loneliness that descended upon him even while living with Tony and Steve and surrounded by people who gave a damn about him. Because it wasn’t the same as having a family.

Only Thor would ever truly be his family.

But it felt especially unnecessary to tell his perfect golden brother that.

“I have need of nothing any longer. You need not worry about missing my call again, Thor, for it shall not come. I am fine on my own.”

“There was never a doubt in my mind, brother, that you could survive. I am convinced nothing in the nine realms could keep you down for good. Perhaps need is the wrong word, for I am quite sure that when armed with your magic, you are the farthest from needing a person can be. But I have need of _you_ as a brother. I missed you dearly. I always hoped you would find your way back from the dark, but it should never have happened this way. I would not wish this upon you. It is not correction. It is savagery. You need not accept my companionship, but please consider accepting my apology.” Loki wanted to sneer at the rare show of weakness from Thor. Wanted to call him soft, to tell him he was the wrongful heir to the throne and his misplaced sense of fraternity would be his downfall. But the words wouldn’t come. The anger wouldn’t come. The shattered part of him that had cried out for his brother’s rescue insisted on being touched, insisted on believing.

“It is accepted,” Loki let out on a breath, bringing his swimming vision to focus on his brother’s face. The relief crashed like thunder over Thor’s face, but he held himself back from the hug he clearly wanted to go for. It only took a moment for it to disappear, but the childlike joy that had sparked in his eyes was strangely satisfying to Loki.

He reasoned that maybe, _maybe,_ making Thor happy didn’t have to be a bad thing. This would never be a family, healthy, normal, or happy. Thor would never be his blood, and Loki would always be a monster. And it was new, raw, vulnerable, and frightening. But someday, maybe, he might call it home.


End file.
